Tuesday, April 7, 2015

Hi! I'm Pregnant!

Sorry for the lack of posts and gatherings, but it's all for a good cause: I'm pregnant! And oh my god, I feel as if I've been hit by a truck.

My psychiatrist changed my medications at the very start of the pregnancy. Goodbye, Zoloft; hello, Buspiron. I'm now taking Buspiron, 15 mg, three times a day (it has a short half life.) When I first cut the Zoloft, I had some rough days - lots of uncontrollable crying and feeling like I had been thrown into a dark pit of misery. I felt about as crappy as I felt in July 2013, the day before I admitted myself to the hospital for PPD. That was discouraging, to say the least.

But I cried myself out, and wrote a bunch of pitiful entries in my journal, and now I am feeling much better.  The Buspiron seems to have kicked in and is doing good things for my serotonin. But I am still seeing my psychologist tomorrow. He treated my PPD, and I have not had an appointment with him since March 2014. It feels like a good time to touch base. I think I have some lingering PPD ghosts that need to be addressed. 

Physically, I'm feeling like shit on a stick. Last Wednesday, I had to go to the ER at 4 a.m. because I could not stop puking. The nurses took good care of me. They hooked me to an IV, gave me anti-nausea meds, and rehydrated me. I was discharged after a few hours and spent the rest of the day in bed, feeling like death. Thank goodness my dad was able to spend the day with Pippa. 

My ob/gyn hooked me up with a relatively new medication that is helping the morning sickness. I can still only eat bland foods, but at least I'm not puking five or six times a day.  (I'm not being coy about this new medication's name. It starts with a D but that's all I can remember and I'm too tired to get up and check now.)

Now I am mainly dealing with first trimester fatigue. I feel like I'm getting the flu and also like my muscles are disintegrating. It's frustrating and scary. For me, first trimester fatigue feels a lot like depression. When I was depressed, I just wanted to stay at home, lie around, and do nothing. Now that I have first trimester fatigue, I just want to stay at home, lie around and do nothing. I've done very little work on my book. I haven't painted in weeks. And just the thought of going to the gym makes me want to curl up in the fetal position and cry.

When I had PPD, and felt like doing nothing, I had to do something. No matter how lazy and exhausted I felt, I had to exercise. I had to take walks. I had to paint and draw and knit and work on my book and throw impromptu dance parties with Pippa. The more I did, the more energy I had.

Now I'm exhausted because I'm growing a brand new soul. Important amazing stuff is happening in my uterus. Right now I'm fine-tuning the four chambers of baby's heart. Is it any wonder that I want to nap all afternoon and then go to bed before 8?

But I keep second guessing myself.  I worry that I should be fighting against the depression and dragging my ass out of the house to go on adventures. I have to remind myself every day that I am not depressed - I'm pregnant. The things I'm feeling are normal pregnancy symptoms, not depression red flags.

Anyway, I have gatherings planned but I'm giving myself a little time to nap and cruise in the slow lane. Need to make sure this baby gets ten little fingers and ten little toes. When my energy is back, there will be more activities.

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